‘Nesting’ sees kids stay in one home and divorcing parents move in and out to care for them, rather than having kids go back and forthPublished Jul 24, 20257 minute readRather than making children move between houses during a divorce, a new trend is called “nesting” or “birdnesting,” which sees the kids stay in a house to increase stability and the parents move in and out depending on custody time. ContributedArticle contentDivorce is a period of instability, both for the two adults involved and their offspring. Perhaps that’s why “birdnesting” or “nesting” is a practice that’s gaining popularity.THIS CONTENT IS RESERVED FOR SUBSCRIBERS ONLY.Subscribe now to access this story and more:Unlimited access to the website and appExclusive access to premium content, newsletters and podcastsFull access to the e-Edition app, an electronic replica of the print edition that you can share, download and comment onEnjoy insights and behind-the-scenes analysis from our award-winning journalistsSupport local journalists and the next generation of journalistsSUBSCRIBE TO UNLOCK MORE ARTICLES.Subscribe or sign in to your account to continue your reading experience.Unlimited access to the website and appExclusive access to premium content, newsletters and podcastsFull access to the e-Edition app, an electronic replica of the print edition that you can share, download and comment onEnjoy insights and behind-the-scenes analysis from our award-winning journalistsSupport local journalists and the next generation of journalistsRegister to unlock more articles.Create an account or sign in to continue your reading experience.Access additional stories every monthShare your thoughts and join the conversation in our commenting communityGet email updates from your favourite authorsSign In or Create an AccountorArticle contentThis modern co-parenting trend involves parents rotating in and out of the family home in an effort to give their children stability, explains Lori Gard, a Canadian certified counsellor and counselling therapist who works for the online counselling practice Your Life Design Inc., based in Cornwall, P.E.I.Article contentArticle contentArticle contentGard specializes in couples and family counselling. She also works with children aged 10 and up and youth.Article content“Nesting … can work and be quite effective when two people are intentional about making this a reality for the benefit of the children,” explained Gard.Article content Nesting is a way for parents to give their kids stability, explains Lori Gard, a Canadian certified counsellor and counseling therapist who works for the online counselling practice Your Life Design Inc., based in Cornwall, P.E.I. ContributedArticle contentHow nesting can add more stability to a child’s lifeArticle contentA 2018 study published in the Journal of Pediatric Nursing noted that children often feel like they’re living in two worlds when their parents separate, mainly because of the inevitable living arrangement that follows.Article contentTypically, children move between two homes, and this can lead to them yearning for calm and stability.Article contentWith nesting during or after a divorce, the children stay put, typically in the family home, while the parents take turns being “on duty” while living in the home for some amount of time and “off duty” as they live in a separate home or apartment.Article contentArticle contentThe term itself could’ve been inspired by how birds care for their young by alternating who flies out of the nest while the other stays with the chicks to keep them safe.Article contentArticle content“Psychologist Ann Buscho, author of ‘The Parent’s Guide to Birdnesting,’ describes it as a child-centred approach that can reduce emotional upheaval and support secure attachment,” said Gard.Article contentBy allowing the children to “stay rooted in a permanent environment” and giving them a better understanding of their parents’ schedule, birdnesting could help reduce their fear of abandonment, according to Karla Dawe, a registered counselling therapist and Canadian certified counsellor from N.S.Article contentLatoya Newman, a counsellor based in St. John’s, N.L. has seen people engaging in the practice of birdnesting.Article contentChildren often struggle with the “back and forth” that comes with splitting their time between parents, Newman said, and this is a way to address this struggle.Article contentWhen birdnesting is done right, there are benefitsArticle contentAlthough beautiful in theory, not everyone manages to embrace this modern co-parenting trend well.Article contentIf done right, however, there can be significant benefits, according to these Atlantic Canadian experts.Article contentEven though the research on nesting is scarce and much of the evidence is qualitative, using nesting to transition from a single family unit into separate ones does have its appeal, according to Gard.Article contentArticle content“Nesting has a preservation-effect, if temporary, on the family unit and structure.”Article contentIt can also look good in family court when it comes to future decisions, added Gard. It shows the court that the parents can be “conciliatory in their interactions,” she explained.Article contentLiving in the family house after separation means children get to hold on to their routines in the face of change, added Newman. Being able to socialize with the same friends or see familiar faces on a school bus can all decrease that sense of disruption that comes with separation, she said.Article contentNesting also offers children and parents much-needed additional time to process the upcoming changes to their family unit, according to Newman.Article contentThere could be financial benefits, too.Article content“Many couples feel the strain of having to live separately, so continuing to pay into a shared space and shared utilities is often more manageable,” aid Newman.Article contentArticle contentThe present day’s ever-increasing economic difficulties coupled with the limited housing markets, pose more challenges, which can be evaded via nesting, per the counsellor.Article contentOf course, this depends on how the adults navigate their “off-duty” living space. Some couples rotate in and out of a shared apartment, while others each have their own post-separation living spaces.Article contentStill others choose to live in the same premises but in separate sections, like the basement, said Newman.Article content Latoya Newman, a counsellor based in St. John’s, N.L., says “nesting” or “birdnesting” can help kids who struggle with moving between houses, but warns it’s not suitable for everyone. ContributedArticle contentWhen birdnesting is done wrongArticle contentIf your situation is one that involves abuse of any kind – physical, emotional or verbal – it’s always better to physically separate from that partner, pointed out Newman. Allowing yourself and your family to be continually exposed to the source of toxicity is not healthy.Article content“In some situations that clients have shared with me, the partner who was living in a separate part of the house broke the boundaries that were set up and there have been physical or verbal fights as a result … because a locked door leading into the basement or a bedroom is not sufficient to prevent someone who wants to do harm,” said Newman.Article contentA lack of follow-through on the parenting agreement or no parenting agreement at all can also be a source of stress, according to Newman.Article contentNewman has seen situations where one partner remained in the home but didn’t share in the parenting responsibilities.Article content“This resulted in the build up of resentment, anger, emotional distress and sometimes financial strain on the one parent who would have taken on the bulk of child care and running the household.”Article content Even though their parents can’t get along and live together anymore, more couples are turning to “nesting” as a better alternative for their children. ContributedArticle contentDepending on the specifics of how you try this modern co-parenting arrangement, there could be financial drawbacks too, said Dawe. Having your own apartment while sharing the finances of a family home might not be viable for everyone.Article contentOther considerations include being relocated for work or a change in your employment situation, including losing your job.Article content“All financial implications would need to be considered,” Dawe added.Article contentArticle contentNesting can create more problems than it can resolve if you’re dealing with a functionally unstable partnership to begin with, according to Gard.Article content“For instance, we can assume that couples are separating due to some range of irreconcilable differences,” explained Gard.Article content“If those differences prevent the partnership from coming together in a peaceful way, for the purposes of creating continuity for the children, via nesting, then nesting efforts might be futile and even harmful in some situations.”Article contentBirdnesting can also lead to a false sense of hope or confusion for the kids, added Gard. It’s natural for children to want their parents to reconcile, and not all kids understand the reality of things.Article content“If the family is continuing to exist on the premise of shared resources and space, albeit with one parent there at a time, even that message of continuity can send a message to the children that the parents might eventually reconcile,” explained Gard.Article contentArticle contentGard thinks that nesting can be incredibly challenging to commit to long-term, given the fact that two people have to learn to place their personal lives on hold until their children have outgrown their formative years.Article contentThe lack of closure can be difficult, too, she added.Article content“Long-term, nesting may not fix the issues or be a permanent structure for supporting the family, as partners often are not content to live in limbo within a relationship that has no future. Closure is prolonged for all family members while the nesting process is underway.”Article contentWhat about the long-term and co-parenting with new partners?Article contentWhen new partners enter the picture, birdnesting, quite naturally, faces a few more challenges.Article contentWhile Newman isn’t personally aware of instances where nesting can be successful in the long-term – such as when new partners become a factor – she does know of parents who maintain a healthy relationship with each other and do co-parenting well.Article contentSetting healthy boundaries becomes key here, according to Newman.Article content“If they [parents] were to have clear boundaries on when and where their space ends in the home and also agree on how they introduce new partners to the children and how they choose to have them in the shared home, if at all, then I can see where these situations can be effective in the long term,” she explained.Article contentIt is important to have conversations with your ex to ensure that they are okay with the way you choose to live, added Dawe.Article contentWhat to consider before birdnesting during a divorceArticle contentSafe to say, jumping on this modern co-parenting trend should not be done lightly by any means.Article contentIn fact, Gard advises parents to thoughtfully consider all the pros and cons.Article content“I would further advise that they discuss this option with a professional counsellor or psychotherapist, as well as with their former partner and with any new partner with whom they are now involved,” she said.Article contentArticle content Karla Dawe is a registered counselling therapist and Canadian certified counsellor from Nova Scotia. ContributedArticle contentInvolving the expertise of a lawyer and financial advisor could also be useful, suggests Dawe.Article contentHashing out the nitty-gritties like whether or not parents would go in and out of the family home, whether each would have their own living quarters elsewhere or whether they’d continue to live in a separate area in the family home premises (for example, a basement or in-law suite), is a pre-requisite, according to Newman.Article contentUltimately, more research is needed on nesting, said Gard.Article content“Nesting can work if the goal of the parents is child-centred, so as to raise their children in a short-term, safe, collaborative and loving environment,” she added.Article content
Why more divorcing parents are opting for ‘nesting’ arrangements for kids
